


Danganronpa Stand Up

by sneak1millionbread



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: F/F, M/M, Other, Stand Up Comedy, danganronpa stand up, its not funny bc we all knew what's the twist in these stand ups, maybe fake keysmash in the comments so i could feel like i made someone laugh :DD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29331891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneak1millionbread/pseuds/sneak1millionbread
Summary: every single danganronpa characters had ditched their talents and decided to be stand up comedies all togetherthey tells stories about their time in the chaotic hopes peak academy
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Harukawa Maki/Iruma Miu/Tojo Kirumi, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Ouma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, for now it'll be saiouma, its Ouma not Oma - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	1. kokichi performing

**Author's Note:**

> kokichi being the first since his story is the first i came up with

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kichi is retire from lying he's telling the truth now for two years

"ladies and gentleman!" a voice called out as everyone in the theatre began to cheer for their favorite sets of comedians and what's special is that all of these comedians goes to the same academy and are a whole big happy an yet dysfunctional family.

"tonight is the night you people have been waiting for!" the same voice called out and the moment it said "amongst their huge groups of friends, it'll be the one and only, Kokichi Ouma!" everyone cheered, some shouted once one of the members from the very well known huge group of best friends from the academy that's for gifted children 'Hope's Peak Academy'

and once the former ultimate supreme leader appeared from behind the stage and comes out onto the stage everyone went insane. He smiled with pure glee like how he did most of the times but it still feels like it's his first time that the audience cheered and shouted his name out loud as he walked onto the stage, he smiled and waved at the audience before booking it for the microphone stand and taking the microphone with one swing before putting it close to his lips for his night's comedy.

"heeeelllo! my lovely people!" he laughed because of his weird intro but his audience never minded it but he still tried to came up with a new one that's suitable.

"wohoo! Man! I haven't been here in a while eh?" the audience agreed before he continued "that's because i've been to Chicago and made a performance there actually" everyone cheered due to some of them had been there for his special with his friends and husband duet comedy stand ups. It was the best performance he had ever did in his life, it's a special one since they ended up talking about their funniest experiences back when they still have their ultimate talents.

"if you missed that performance," he inhaled "im just going to say that it was one of my favorite performances i did in a while!" he took in a breather before getting back to what he was supposed to say before he forgets.

"having.. a detective as a husband is kind of scary, in a way" he said before adding when he heard the audience making surprise noises when they heard that Kokichi's gay and is married to, whoever saw his Chicago special knows who Kokichi's husband is, Shuichi, an ex detective back in the day, "yes im gay, we're actually married for three years now so that's wonderful" he said with pure happiness in his voice and his smile was intact the whole time he would talk about Shuichi.

"but still, sure he's adorable whenever he show his detective side unconsciously but it's scary if his husband is a big liar back in high school!" the audience laughed, lowly before he added "that liar is me"

"yes i lied a lot back in high school about anything and everything. It didn't matter how big or small something i lied about, i would lie about anything" he said while walking back and forward on the stage.

"yes i was a compulsive liar back in high school but now im telling the truth more than a lie nowadays and he's proud of me"

"but if you forgot to do something important, and you tried to lie after two years of not telling lies," he paused before speaking again "oh you're screwed" everyone laughed while clapping. "one time, i forgot to pay the bills and once the electric was cut in the middle of our movie night, he of course asked me, "did you pay the bills?" of course i forgot and said "yes, of course!" because when he told me to do so i was actually watching the television at the time"

laughter spread across the theater with the sound of numerous citizens clapping loudly. "yes we were on a call at the time since he was on his way to his own special in Mexico so he thought that i would remember as if he wasn't married to a used-to-be compulsive liar that has the attention span of goldfish like-" then Kokichi made a face that says 'is you serious' 

"like-" he put the mic closer, then father, then closer "like- i don't know if he forgot that i could barely remember how i got my pica or the other day where i almost forgot Maki's name or something, but it's actually from the lack of nutrient i have because im skinny but that besides the point"

"anyways he called my bluff out and was kind of disappointed when i lied to him but the thing is-!" he sped walked over closer to the audiences to say this "he understood that i couldn't control it!"

"like i saw on the internet- now i know not all of these woman does these but some does and i just wanna say this really quick, i saw on the internet that some dudes who got caught lying to their girls, their woman blew up because their mans was lying about something, now most of the lies are small, like; dishes, clothes, laundry, some more and some more, but these girls blew up over them"

"which is understandable since everyone might as well have major trust issues since these girls blew up over simple little lies while im over here still having my friends giving me the disappointed mom glares and sighs and thinking THAT was bad!" laughter ensues again.

"which makes me wonder sometimes... if you straight people acts like this 24/7 of the day??"

"like! Every single time i heard a man complaining about his girl or a girl complaining about her man it's usually about money or even lies they were caught in, like- if that's the truth, then why would people discriminate same sex relationship when straight relationships would be arguing in the background about stuff that in same sex relationships would be solved in seconds or less!"

"no hate to you heteros by the way i love yall" clapping was heard from the crowd.

"another story about me and my friend Maki, you may know her from my Chicago, Saturday and Sunday special, anyways she said that her agent had told her that she have a performance in California and she had asked if she could do a duet special and her agent allowed that but they had to let the theater know so when she came with another person the theater owner doesn't freak out about it"

"she invited me and you know i was ESTATIC whenever i get to duet with my old caretaker" the moment he mention his old caretaker the crowd cheered so loud because it's always fun to hear stories about Kokichi and Maki being a duo back then, and wanting to laugh at Maki almost wanting to drop kick the purple haired boy back then to the floor so Maki and Kokichi's story at the orphanage is his and Maki's audiences' favorite.

"so when the day we need to go came, we had to board an airplane to go to Cali so we got on the plane and we have to make sure that we sat next to each other, so then if something happened we could cling onto something that isn't another stranger and making things awkward for the stranger and any of us" the crowd roared in laughter and clapping while Kokichi just kept on smiling and pacing on the stage.

"we sat comfortably in our chairs and was just enjoying our time of the first few hours of the flight then it started raining" the crowd started letting out a low 'ooo' across the theater before letting the man on the stage continued "raining is supposed to be harmless since the majority of our dysfunctional family enjoys the rain, same with me and Maki! We managed to come up with ideas while it was raining outside of our residents and it's oddly calming, so it didn't really made us scared when it was raining and we were in an airplane, plus there was thunderstorms outside and that kind of put us a little bit on edge but.. NOT at the point where we would be at once _this_ happened"

"we were just chilling on the plane, some of the passengers were asleep, we were just playing on our phones- our phones were on airplane mode so it's cool, anyways while we were playing games on our phones, it was Tetris by the way, we were so into the game but then our phones died so we just put in back into our pockets, SOMETIME after that, our plane got hit with a lighting" the crowd was dead silence in which Kokichi responded with a 'uh-huh'

"yep, keep in mind we were six hundred feet off the ground and when an airplane, flying during a thunderstorm, six hundred feet into the sky, getting hit with a lighting and started falling from the sky, and let me tell you something, it doesn't matter who you are, you could've been a killer back in the 18's, you could've be a former Japanese soldier, a hitman, a assassin or the most scariest human being ever to exist, but once your airplane started dropping from the sky- straight down, me and my friend was heterosexual for five seconds" the crowd broke into fits of laughter some while clapping like a seal.

"like the moment the thunder hits the airplane we both started screaming and once the plane was falling, we were screaming and hugging each other like we're some pussy straight couple watching a horror movie, instead of sitting behind a screen, we were the characters that's about to fucking die"

the entire theater burst into fits of laughter, some started wheezing like a dolphin and some started clapping like a seal. "thank you! Thank you everyone for coming tonight!" Kokichi announced before everyone started standing up before clapping and whistling for the man whose currently walking off the stage while smiling and waving goodbye at the audience.

as he was walking to the backstage Kokichi just chuckled remembering the airplane event, he'll never forgot how he and Maki reacted when the plane was falling and how high they screamed during that time. And once the situation was finally under control by the pilot, everyone was hysterical, some were laughing, some were still has their adrenaline rushing so bad their breathing was super out of control and some was laughing while shouted 'OH MY GOD WE ALL ALMOST DIED!" at their siblings, family, friends and significant others.

Maki had her hand over her heart while laughing, Kokichi was trying to control his breathing while still being in his hysterical state, and it's not working. "MY HEART" Maki said resulting in Kokichi turning to look at her shaken up figure "MY HEART IS BEATING RAPIDLY HAHAHAH" Maki laughed, she haven't felt this type of adrenaline rush ever since she abandoned her talent. Once these people got off their flights everyone started enjoying life because they almost just die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowkey last story inspired by Gabriel Iglesias's airpost story


	2. Maki performing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yall???? actually like the last chapter?????? if yall also keysmash in the comments for this chpater im convince that im funny to other people-

the moment she walked up everyone screamed and cheered as the comedian walked up to the stage before smiling and waving at the crowd of audience right in front of her before booking it straight for the microphone before putting it close to them.

"alright alright, calm down guys" she said as her voice echoed from the speaker in the theater quieted down so she could tell her stories. "yall know what sleeping i right?" everyone in the theater shouted 'yes' "sometimes, students preferably, people would pull all-nighters every chance they get"

"when you asked people or students what do they think about all-nighters they'll say "it's unhealthy" or even "terrible" but if you asked an insomniac person about what they think about all-nighters, they'll just look at you dead in the eye before saying" she put the mic close to her lips before speaking "it's the fucking hell itself on earth" everyone burst into laughter while clapping. Maki started pacing for a minute while smiling at the big sets of audience that was her fans.

"i'd know because that's me" laughter spread throughout the entire theater before Maki started laughing alongside her audience before continued "oh god! Being insomniac isn't fun at all you guys! It's not fun when you're out of your prescription meds, i would be staring up at the celling while my wifes would sleeping right next to me and in the morning i would feel tired as HELL"

"im being honest! Caffeine mixed with a can of red bull is probably the only thing that'll keep me awake, and thank god i only uses that to stay awake for me to get my pills refilled because if i just drink that like it's some damn coffee-" she shouted 'CLEAR!' before slamming her closed fist onto her chest as everyone burst into laughter.

"that pretty much the reason why im not like my detective friends, for those who's wondering, they're name is Kyoko and Shuchi, they're had a big fucking unhealthy coffee order. Not even going to blame them because being a detective in high school doesn't sound as amazing as they seemed"

"because you'll be brewing coffee in the academy's cafetria at two in the morning, no don't laugh, these two fuckers ended up mistaking their dorm buildings more than once, Kyoko is the oldest and Shuichi is the youngest each year have their own buildings; dorms and cafetrias and these two ended up sleeping at the wrong dorms!"

"anyways back to my topic, the thing that's absolutely tedious about being insomniac, is the pills, wanna know why? Because once it's gone, your conciousness is gone" the audience chuckled throughtout the theater as Maki said that.

"im being honest over here, you need to remember whether you've taken it or not, because if you already took em' you've basically overdose yourself, back in high school i forgot to take my pills and it was complete hell because i would be lying there, looking up at the celling while the clock ticking in my ear as if it was mocking me like 'HAHHA YOU CANT SLEEP YOU BITCH ASS LOSER!' mann.. in other words insomnia isn't fun kids"

"another story about our highschool since there's so much that i feel like i could just talk about them for hours you know?" Maki laughed as the audience joined in.  
"back in Hope's Peak, in the nurses office they would have this scale where the sleep deprivated students would rate how sleep deprivated are they but since Kyoko and Shuichi were the most sleep deprivated students in Hope's Peak of course our nurse would remake the scale from 'on the scale of 0 to 100' to 'on the scale of 0 to shsl ultimate detective' " the audience laughed "so it was basically a free permission to tell those two to quit their unhealthy coffee addiction before one of them got into a coma"

"before you call me a hypocrite and say that 'yOU alSO dRiNK cOfFe' i also drink coffe myself, but mine's different from the two, the reason why is because i only put in one or two caffeine shot into mine while these two put in five or even seven shots into theirs, one time Kyoko put in ten shots into hers but thank god she didn't drink it because that would've been a hospital call right there members of the jury"

"i asked some of my friends, OUTSIDE of my main friend group if their brains ever stopped working for a moment and they all responded with a confused 'how the fuck does your brain stop working??' sometimes i wonder if they're lying because i bet, on my long term friendship with my friends, that they couldn't tell me that they haven't walked into a room and soon forgetting what they needed and then stood still there for a few seconds recollecting their life choices" laughter roared across the theater as soon as Maki said something that's stupidly relatable to all of them.

"im being honest! Last time i forgot the word 'thirsty' and said 'water hungry' at my wife who asked me if i wanted anything. Another time where me and my wife, Kirumi, who knows Spanish since she's a maid and she takes request wherever but anyways we were cuddling on the couch, chatting because we were just being cute and then she forgot the word 'slug' and she asked me out of nowhere" she then made a pretty great impressination of Kirumi, "how do you call snails without homes?" everyone burts into laughter before Maki just bowed "thank you for coming everybody!" she then placed the microphone down before waving goodbye to everyone while they're clapping and whistling for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i pre write this in notes so idk h u h


	3. shuichi performing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> honestly my trust issues is out in about rn so please dont be upset when i sometimes say 'idk whether to trust the keysmash or not- help' sorry fam but i appreciate the comments tho :DD!! thanks for the comments yall!!

"EVERYONE PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE!" applause spread across the theater as everyone knew who's turn it is for tonight from the very well known huge high school squad that consist of best friends from the academy for ultimates known alike that has ditched their talents to make people laugh at their stupid memories back in high school together "SHUICHI SAIHARA!"

the once young and timid detective back in hope's peak was now in his 20's and is now speed walking onto the stage brimming with confident, he smiled at his sets of audiences before started waving at them, then he started booking it for the microphone stand and taking it off swiftly then putting it close to his lips.

"thank you thank you you guys! God it felt like forever since i perform here! Florida was insane you guys!" some people from Florida applause as soon as they heard their country's name by a famous comedian from a famous squad. "i don't even know if i have told you guys about this story about my short husband and his best friend in high school, anyways, this one is basically Ouma and Harukawa being an iconic best friends, these two would be EXTEMELY competitive on things they both like" laughter spread across the theater once again as Shuichi paced back and forward on the stage before he puts the mic back close to his lips.

"yep, one second these two would be chatting with at each other normally and being their usual selves, but once you mention Loteria.." the crowd burst into laughter as flashbacks from old family gatherings where they would go absolutely ballistic whenever they're playing Loteria, "the moment you mention Loteria they'll pull out a whole Loteria game set out of their asses before aggressively slamming the board down before looking you right in the eye before they'll say this in such a menacing and threating voice-" then he made a perfect impersonation of his husband, Ouma, "wanna play?"

he laughed a bit before continuing "you guys may asked "how would you know??" because the 'you' in this story is me," the crowd again burst into complete laughter "yep, i made the mistake of asking if they wanted to play Loteria even though my dorm was below theirs, plus me and my dormmate, Leon have heard those two screaming swear words at each other and we're the first one's who have heard the two cussing like sailors above over some damn board games. BOARD GAMES YOU GUYS!"

"you people don't know what word they'll shout every time it's their game night and they'll talk like they weren't just calling the other a 'bitch ass fucking pussy' the night before, anyways, it's their game night but a couple of my friends and i was an additional player to the game, the friends are, Angie, she's the card announcer while Himiko, Tenko, Maki, Kokichi and me are the players. If you don't know what Loteria is or how to play it; it's similar to Bingo but it's a traditional Mexico card game, as players mark spots on a tabla or board with a token, which used to be a raw bean traditionally. The aim is to fill the board before all the other players. The card announcer pulls out illustrated cards such as La Luna and El Arbol from a deck. Players have to locate the card announced on their board and mark it. As soon as a player completes the board, they're required to shout out, "Loteria," and is declared the winner."

"anyways, as Angie announced each cards like-" then he made a pretty good impression of Angie "La Dama!", "El Catrín!", "El Barril", some more and some more.. Anyways, as the card announcer announces the cards... these two played this game like it's their life support or something because the moment they slammed down their first few cards.." he paused to look around at his sets of audiences before continuing "oh i feel like i was playing poker with the ultimate gambler, but instead of on Celestia, there's two of her but she's constantly in a bad mood" laughter spread at how Shuichi compared on how competative Maki and Kokichi is during Loteria to Celestia's talent.

"anyways we were playing, cards were being slammed onto the coffee like it's our letter of resignation for our boss, y'know the normal things that happens during Loteria" the audience roared with laughter as Shuichi joked about the chaos during Loteria nights as something normal that happens every Sunday night.

"while we were playing round after round after round, if you're wondering, both Maki and Kokichi won three rounds, Tenko won two, both Himiko and me won one singular round. Many vocal cords were harm during the night, some were from rage and some were from celebration. I think it was round... Ten when this happens, Angie sometimes say the names of the cards in a playful tone and when she say 'El Elscalera' she say it like; 'ESCALERA OHHH' " the audience laughed while some were clapping and wheezing like dolphins "like that! And i think Maki didn't have that card and she just screamed 'GOD FUCK YOU!' while the rest- including me, said 'OHH FUCK YEAHH!'. If you're wondering no Himi didn't swore she just said 'oh frick yeah' " the crowd broke out into clapping and laughing messes before Shuichi just bowed before saying "thank you for tonight everyone!" and proceeding to wave goodbye at his huge sets of audience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha dead vines go brr


End file.
